Wednesday, January 30, 2008


I've been down again and back up since my last post just last night. This morning-afternoon was rough for no particular reason, which troubles me, but by the time seminar ended at 6, things were looking good again. I wish I could pinpoint what causes my mini-crises, but for now I think I should just roll with them. I finished everything I needed to get done before 11 PM, and that makes me quite happy. I may still do some things tonight, try translating some Russian for the exam on Friday, look for next week's readings online, but I don't have any unfinished business. Sweet.

Being in Adam's wedding is so very important to me. I think perhaps it's too important. I'm using it as confirmation that there is someone who values me as a friend on a deeper level (deeper than what?), but I shouldn't need that confirmation. It demonstrates my lack of faith in all of my other good friends, since they haven't "proven" their friendship in a quantitative way. I hate that about myself. Why should I need to be a 'favorite' to feel good about myself? Is it that the favorite label simultaneously elevates me and diminishes others, to mix metaphors of size and altitude?

In lighter thoughts, since I am actually fairly happy at the moment, I fell a little bit in love with one of my readings for class, and I have a bizarre desire to be a black Brazilian religious dancer. I'm sure this will pass, as I have rarely wanted to be any of those things in the past, but I am enjoying the pleasant ache of longing for the moment.

Getting on track

Things seem somehow to be working out. I have a better handle on work, food, life, people, all the important stuff. I'm teaching myself to close my bedroom door when I'm working, and it's hard to do but it's good for me. Boundaries are important; without boundaries you stay undefined. I'm learning this.

Monday, January 28, 2008

A new beginning

This weekend I cut off (almost) all of my hair. I want this to be a symbol of my new beginning. I have decided that I rely too much on other people for my opinions of myself, and I need to fix this. It isn't just limited to opinions either; I rely on others to determine my interests and activities as well. This is dumb. It will eventually make me lose all semblance of my own personality.

I'm not sure how to deal with this. I think the first thing to do is manage my time a little more. My life should not go on hold when I'm by myself. I should make an effort to be productive and happy when alone, not just when I can coerce others into spending time with me. That method of forcing myself into productivity just makes me into a burden for my friends. Bad plan.

This latest bout of self-pity/self-loathing got a kick start when I found out that a friend had been in LA and hadn't told me because she knew I'd make her see me if I knew she was here. That says a lot. I don't want to be the kind of friend who is tolerated. I'm tired of friends, even very close friends, thinking of me as a waste of time.

Before I spiral into nasty depression, I'm going to cut this short. I need to get to sleep so that tomorrow can be a good, happy, productive day. Wish me luck.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Inaugural Post

Well, here goes. My first post in my first blog. I doubt this is a good idea, as I already have many things I should be reading and writing that are more goal-oriented than my self-indulgent mental ramblings, but nevertheless, here I am.

I intend to update this fairly frequently with short posts, but we'll see how that goes. For now, I just want to observe that lying in bed wrapped in my threadbare comforter and listening to the rain makes me feel cozy and lonely at the same time. The perfect setting for angst. Ergo, blog.

The style of these entries should improve with time. Or with thyme.