Monday, January 28, 2008

A new beginning

This weekend I cut off (almost) all of my hair. I want this to be a symbol of my new beginning. I have decided that I rely too much on other people for my opinions of myself, and I need to fix this. It isn't just limited to opinions either; I rely on others to determine my interests and activities as well. This is dumb. It will eventually make me lose all semblance of my own personality.

I'm not sure how to deal with this. I think the first thing to do is manage my time a little more. My life should not go on hold when I'm by myself. I should make an effort to be productive and happy when alone, not just when I can coerce others into spending time with me. That method of forcing myself into productivity just makes me into a burden for my friends. Bad plan.

This latest bout of self-pity/self-loathing got a kick start when I found out that a friend had been in LA and hadn't told me because she knew I'd make her see me if I knew she was here. That says a lot. I don't want to be the kind of friend who is tolerated. I'm tired of friends, even very close friends, thinking of me as a waste of time.

Before I spiral into nasty depression, I'm going to cut this short. I need to get to sleep so that tomorrow can be a good, happy, productive day. Wish me luck.

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