Wednesday, January 30, 2008


I've been down again and back up since my last post just last night. This morning-afternoon was rough for no particular reason, which troubles me, but by the time seminar ended at 6, things were looking good again. I wish I could pinpoint what causes my mini-crises, but for now I think I should just roll with them. I finished everything I needed to get done before 11 PM, and that makes me quite happy. I may still do some things tonight, try translating some Russian for the exam on Friday, look for next week's readings online, but I don't have any unfinished business. Sweet.

Being in Adam's wedding is so very important to me. I think perhaps it's too important. I'm using it as confirmation that there is someone who values me as a friend on a deeper level (deeper than what?), but I shouldn't need that confirmation. It demonstrates my lack of faith in all of my other good friends, since they haven't "proven" their friendship in a quantitative way. I hate that about myself. Why should I need to be a 'favorite' to feel good about myself? Is it that the favorite label simultaneously elevates me and diminishes others, to mix metaphors of size and altitude?

In lighter thoughts, since I am actually fairly happy at the moment, I fell a little bit in love with one of my readings for class, and I have a bizarre desire to be a black Brazilian religious dancer. I'm sure this will pass, as I have rarely wanted to be any of those things in the past, but I am enjoying the pleasant ache of longing for the moment.

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