Pendula

It is difficult to tell if I am really doing better, or just going through my traditional pendulum that starts a depression. Regardless of future prospects, I feel much better today, largely thanks to a handful of friends who took the time to call/post/write/watch Angel. It is possible that the depression has been headed off at the pass, and for that I am (conditionally) grateful.

To continue the depressing trend of things, I would like to explore a problem I have with personal interactions. It is rare for me to be comfortable acting as a peer. I either need to be in charge, being a teacher and therefore not a peer, no matter the age of my student(s), or I need to be a follower, told what to do. I am awkward about simply interacting with social equals. This is a problem mainly when it comes to romantic prospects--neither persona attracts guys. Hypothetically, there are guys attracted to both of those personae, but (A) I have never met any and (B) I wouldn't want to.

I think this problem leads to my...fraught interactions with the constitutionally arrogant. Men (occasionally women, but mostly men) who assume that they are entitled to the center of attention because they are (MIMS logic), try my patience instantly and often permanently. The few people I came out of college despising are the men who fit this description. They have adherents and detractors, but rarely peers. Certain famous musicologists also fit this profile. I don't really consider this rush to judgment to be a character flaw of mine, but I do see it as too harsh. Arrogant people are people too, and if I'm willing to forgive pretty much any other character flaw in my friends, I should be willing to forgive that one too. And yet, my snort propagates rapidly, while my sympathetic look withers and dies.

I think I just don't have time for worship. If the various and sundry gods aren't worth my adoration, fallible humans certainly aren't. Deal with it.


Today's Cat and Girl makes me very happy and you should all read it.