Monday, September 5, 2011

Lonely room

I have now been living alone for just over a month. I think it is fair to say that it is not my favorite way to live.

Yes, I enjoy the freedom of not having to get dressed until it's time to leave. Yes, I like being able to leave dishes where I want to leave them and not worry about anybody else needing the sink. Yes, I prefer shopping for only the foods and cleaning products I want.

But I have very little motivation in the morning, unless I'm going to meet someone. If I don't have a date with a friend to go for a walk or play a game or grade papers or write, I don't really feel like doing any of those things. I spend more time at home than I want to, because I don't have the energy to go anywhere if there won't be a person there noticing if I've come.

I have been managing quite well thus far, especially with Z2 and I going on walks in Runyon Canyon three mornings a week, but weekends are hard and this one is longer than usual. I miss all of my roommates, and my boyfriend, and my family, and all of the various friends who have shared my homes for a day or a week or six months or longer.

I have wonderful friends who want to spend time with me, many of whom live within a few blocks, but I have a very hard time calling them and asking them to do that. Especially since they almost all live with their partners, and I hesitate to insert myself into other people's relationships when they aren't asking me to.

This sounds awfully depressed, and I do feel that way at the moment, but I haven't felt that way most of this month. The Mysterious X has been great at helping me settle back in, and we have had lots of fun together, as I have had with all of my other friends here. But today, things just feel heavy.

They will get lighter, I know. The boyfriend will be here in three days, and I am very excited about seeing him. A few days after that, I'll be heading to Iowa to perform a wedding ceremony for two good friends, which should be a lot of fun. Then it's into the fall quarter and I'll be busy and distracted and happy. I just need to get through a bit of a rough patch right now, and I'm using this blog as a therapy substitute, since the therapist I just emailed is away from her email until the 12th. If anybody wants to come visit, at any time, I'd welcome the company.

1 comment:

Toph said...

I can understand that. In my life I tend to do a lot of things, but sometimes I find that with no external impetus, doing things is tough. I don't have any advice, really, and I can't visit, but hopefully some commiseration is better than nothing. Recognizing a difficult thing means that it's easier to overcome.